I am a private person. I need the space for myself. Nevertheless I like to share my thoughts to those who are on the same journey of self-discovery.
What I * wa[s] to talk about is the climate of change that is happening now in my life. I am truly blessed that I have a very conducive support environment. My wife and kids are the jewels of my life. I got Juice who is always looking over me. Then I got Els who is my cheerleader and Chedet, my patron. Other than that I got BJ as my loyal listener and long time friend.
*External intervention. A cipher.
I do feel relieved that I purged the things I been keeping to myself; the agony of dealing with Bipolar Disorder for 20 years.
I am also glad I finally found the bearing of my life - I am an impartial believer of God. Thus I am qualified as an atheist (the right definition: a person who is impartial of God) as Juice like it but I don't deny that there is an Infinite Intelligence governing my path in life.
I can never be comfortable with the idea of no God. Even when I decided to no longer practice Islam in 2012 (I'm not an apostate, just nonpracticing) and explored atheism, I ended with the decision to believe in God but not religion. I don't have issues with the idea that there is a First Cause. It is religions that bother me. They are all man made and yet they conveniently claimed that their religions are exclusively ordained by God.
Nowadays I don't subscribe to only one religion but rather cherish all religions as the legacy of human's rite of passage. I celebrate religious festivals as a celebration on humanity. And yet I don't pray like most people do. My form of worshiping is through running and swimming. These are active meditations for me.
I do subscribe to the philosophy of Zen and the spiritual practices of Sufism: https://sharudinjamal.blogspot.com/2016/11/of-mind-and-matter.html
In a way, I am a Fuzzy Thinker. By that definition I thrive in paradoxes where Apple and No Apple exist at the same time. More on Fuzzy Thinking by the book of the same title by Bart Kosko.
To a Fuzzy Thinker nothing is absolute.